Dear Oprah...

My pathetic attempt to look like my idol.

I have some advice for you.  Take what is useful, and ignore the rest.  I’m a diehard fan and say it all with only the kindest of intentions and the deepest respect.

I’d keep putting yourself on the cover of your magazine.  You are a lady who knows how to brand yourself.  Well done, O!

I’d keep giving away my money to loads of good causes, but I probably wouldn’t give away quite so many red cars.  I’d give people a choice of colors.

I’d team up with Bono and Bill Gates to eradicate poverty once and for all.

I wouldn’t do anymore features about how it “takes a village” to get yourself “camera-ready.”  We just like seeing you camera ready, Oprah.  You look good.  There are not many of us who can tumble out of bed and look ravishing.  Just give us the ravishing and forget the process of getting there.  That’s between you and your makeup and hair crew.

I’d stop apologizing for your weight.  You’re beautiful the way you are.  Plus, we all feel better about ourselves knowing that women who are not built like twigs can still make it in the industry.  You’ve made it on your charisma and integrity and your realness.  We love that.

I’d still keep talking about your weight, though.  It’s important for people to talk about what their issues are and to get them out into the open.  Your openness helps so many people.  Keep laying your foibles out on the table.  We love it.  It helps us.

I’d take a few stand-up comedy lessons.  You’re delightful and authentic and absolutely real. We love that.  We also love Ellen.  A bit more of the funny might win a few more of the doubters over.  Personally, I love you just the way you are, but I’m just saying.

I’d consider run in the next election.  When Obama finally gets tired of it all, you and Michelle could step up to the plate together and iron out the rest of the kinks.  Women do that well.  You’d be a dynamo.  Sure, the haters would come out, but you’re so evolved that you’d deal with it.  (Ekhart Tolle could be part of the team, too.  Now there’s an advisor!)

I’d do some more Soul Series shows.  I love hearing you talk to spiritual people and elicit their most powerful ideas to share with us.  Give us workbooks and homework even.  We’re up for it!  If you’re ready to learn and grow, so are we.

I’d interrupt just a teensy bit less.  Don’t be offended.  I understand; I’m the same way.  You’ve got stuff to say and you want people to get to their point.  Just a little bit less.  Just so the few naysayers in the world can’t call you to that mat about that.

I’d get the Satellite Sisters their radio show back and pay them bookoo bucks; I’d also get Lian’s Chaos Chronicles show syndicated on OWN TV.  Introduce the Dolan sisters to the whole world.  I’m sure your ratings would skyrocket!  (Chaz Bono and the Duchess of York are titillating but the Sat Sisters are SOLID.)

I’d bring your show back, even if you just did it once or twice a week.  I know you’re moving on.  I miss you is all.  I don’t think I’m the only one, either.

I’d invite me on your show once you brought it back.  I think we’d make good TV together.  I’d be content to just have coffee or cocktails with you, though.  I don’t even need to be on your show.  I’d never try to replace Gayle, but I think we could be REALLY GOOD friends.  (I want to HAVE your show, but that’s another matter…)

I’d be sure you have a really great will set out that is going to surprise and delight a lot of people after you are gone.  Make it creative.  Go wild.

Bruce Springsteen is THE BOSS, but you’re even BOSSIER (and I mean that in only the kindest way)!

Love you, Oprah.

Kindest Regards,

Leah