Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Services I am NOT Going to Buy on Groupon

I rather enjoy scrolling through my daily Groupon offers, but they often give me pause.  There are some pretty nutty products and services out there.  I'll admit to having had my eyelashes extended, my nails done and availing myself of some tooth whitening products on top of some two-for-one pizza deals, but there is a limit to what I will purchase.  That being said, the folks at Groupon are really great about refunding your money if you change your mind (before you use the voucher, of course).  Here are a few of the wackier ones I've come across lately.

Human Hair Half-Weave
It makes me think of comb-overs.  "Yes, sir: we'll do half your head, but not the other.  You can just comb it over."  I mean, if you're going to go for it, at least opt for the FULL weave!  But the whole idea of having a woven piece of human hair attached to one's head is a little unnerving.  I'm all for wigs and bandannas and hair attachments a la Jessica Simpson and her hairdresser/BFF, but getting something sewn to your head or half your head?  No thanks.  I know Elton John was cutting edge with those hair plugs of his, but you know how that turned out.  (And he's a very rich celebrity who has bucket loads to spend on the very best of the best hair retrieval systems.)  A human hair half-weave from Groupon?  It just doesn't sit right; forgive the pun.

Healthy Pig Lung and Almond Soup
Enough said, right?  I don't think I'd be slurping that down, even if it was free and even though the lung is  healthy.  Maybe it's cultural.

Leg Extension
This one was forwarded to me from a friend in China.  Would I like longer legs, a la Gisele Bundchen?  Sure I would.  Would I pay someone who has signed up with Groupon or ANYONE, for that matter, to make my legs longer?  I don't think so.  It summons images of torture chambers from medieval times, doesn't it?  Thanks, but no thanks.  I'll settle for the short, stumpy legs the good Lord has blessed me with.

45 Item Pre-Marital Check Up
Well, for one thing, I'm already married, but really?  And 45 items?  What are they going to be doing?  Is it in a doctor's office or a lawyer's?  Will I be getting counseling and a pre-nup with that, too?  It just sounds suspect to me.

1 Hour Balloon Animal Making Class
It could be quite fun if you're into that sort of thing.  I suppose if I were thinking of becoming a clown or busking on the busy Hong Kong streets, this could be a good deal.  That being said, I think I'd rather surf the net and eat junk food than make balloon animals in my spare time.

Botox Treatment for 488 HKD
Maybe it's just me, but I want to pay more than the equivalent of 60 US dollars for botox injections. It just kind of makes you wonder, doesn't it?  Who exactly is giving these injections and what exactly are they injecting?  Frankly, I'm okay with a little botulism under my skin, but pig fat or Sprite or melamine just won't do. Call me crazy, but I just don't trust it.

Turbo Trimmer Belt with 10 Intensity Levels
Didn't those things go out in the 1960s?  Do people still think they can jiggle their belly fat loose with a vibrating machine?  It might be a bit o' fun, but it certainly isn't going to replace the treadmill.  I can only imagine what that 10th level of intensity must entail.  A trip to the emergency room for belly burns?

You can't make this stuff up, folks.  Okay, maybe I can, but I didn't.

So what's my new start for the day?

Let's call it an ongoing resolution instead of a new start this time: to continue being a discerning customer and not fall prey to the money-saving, irresistible deals of Groupon.  If you don't need it, don't buy it.  And if it seems too cheap or too weird, don't bother.  Hit the delete button after you've had your chuckle for the day and save yourself some money.

My glamorous eyelashes, compliments of Groupon

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