I elected to have this surgery because I want a chance at living a pain-free life. Ironically, as I lie here in my hospital bed, high up on Victoria Peak overlooking the vast expanse of Hong Kong, I am in a massive amount of pain. Yet my mind is clear. Unstressed. I just am. I don't know if it's the drugs talking, but I only feel the pain. The pain isn't me. It's just present and I am something much deeper than that.
I feel deeply at peace. I can do nothing. I have no obligations. I need help with everything. (And I mean everything! Imagine the indignity of pooping in a bed pan. On the other hand, I love the catheter. It's so nice not being concerned about when you have to pee and drinking as much as I want.)
Not being able to move is strangely liberating. I can only be. Suddenly I have zero obligations yet the easiest tasks are impossible. I can't reach or turn or lift my body high enough to fit a bed pan under me. Every part of my back and buttocks ache. I haven't moved from the position I am in for more than 24 hours now and I can't imagine ever even being able to sit up again never mind walk. What to do? Just wait. Just be. Just see.
Baby steps. New start every day? You bet!
|My lucky roommate who got to go home before I did!|