Friday, January 4, 2013

10 Reasons Not to Cut Your Own Bangs

1. People will know.  (And judge you for it.)

2. You'll look stupid.  (As in Gilligan stupid or Fred Munster stupid.  Really, really stupid.)

3. You won't be able to stop trimming.  It may start off fine, but, trust me, you'll keep tweaking until your hair is more jagged than a five year old's construction project.

4. You'll look younger all right - about the age you were when your mother put the bowl on your head and did a DIY in the kitchen.  Only this time you'll have wrinkles to accompany the hack job.

5. You don't have the right scissors.  Trust me when I say that your cuticle trimmers, childproof scissors, the kitchen meat cutting scissors, even the craft scissors in the cupboard are NOT up to the job.  You are not a hang nail, a piece of construction paper, a slab of meat, OR a crafts project.

6. Your kids will make fun of you and perhaps even be ashamed of you.  They will not want you to drop them off at school or walk in the mall with you.  They may try to be kind and just mumble something like, "I'm just trying to be more independent mom, like you told me to," but it's because of the hair, I promise.

7. You won't be able to go out in public until they grow back.  If you choose to, refer back to reasons number one and two.  Can you bear the scrutiny or take the time off work?  (Using up your sick days on a botched hair job is not a recommended course of action.)

8. You will look fatter.  Yes, it will make your face look pudgier.  It's a well known fact that self-hair trimmers always look fatter than people who get their hair done professionally in a salon.  It's just the way it is.

9. You will look cheap (as in not-willing-to-part-with-your money cheap).  Honestly?  You couldn't spend the few bucks to get a trim at a decent salon?  (Be warned: stay away from hack places (literally) like Save-on-Hair and the like.  You will look the same as if you cut your own hair.)

10. You will end up feeling much worse about yourself.  There will be no proverbial "load off your back."  Instead your new nipped do will have you wondering whether this life is worth carrying on.  I know most people don't mention their self-inflicted hair cuts in suicide notes, but it's just because they're too embarrassed.

Oh, and a bonus eleventh: your eyelashes could get snipped along with your bangs if you've got long, curly ones.

I'm just sayin', folks.  My resolution is to not do it again.  Ever.  (I have made this resolution about 50,000 times, but I just can't seem to stay away.)

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