Monday, January 14, 2013

Golden Globes Confidential

In the spirit of Lian Dolan from Chaos Chronicles and Satellite Sisters fame, I have decided to share some of my personal observations about the Golden Globes.  A lot of people have awards ceremony parties, but I am the kind of gal who likes to go it solitary and take it all in from the comfort of my own bed, plumped up on pillows and covered with enough popcorn to feed a small village.  A  glass of bubbly (water, that is), buffalo wings (if I weren't a vegetarian), warm socks and an airplane neck rest completes the picture of my view of the stars.

I know most of the players from my weakness for celebrity gossip, but I don't care who wins or loses.  Shamefully, I haven't seen any of the movies though I HAVE seen a few of the TV shows.  Let's blame the fact that I live in Hong Kong (where the latest Hollywood movies are aired late if ever), that I am a homebody, that I just get too damn cold in the theaters, and that I just prefer my bed to anywhere else in the world.

The Golden Globes may not be the biggest or most important of awards ceremonies, but it's sure the most fun of them all.  It starts off pretty stilted and buttoned up and by the time the show is over, people are draped over their chairs, their mascara is smudged, shoes are kicked off and it looks like a free-for-all.  This is an awards show you definitely want to stick with (unlike the Oscars which you want to turn off after the first musical number) because it gets better the longer it goes on.

Why?  It's pretty obvious that it's the alcohol and the camaraderie.  Scripts are thrown to the wind, people hoot and holler from the audience, and there's a frisson of we're-getting-away-with-murder in the air.  In short, the celebs let it all hang out and probably feel pretty embarrassed about it the next day

For me?  It's like having a peek into the cool crowd's party from high school.

My humble observations and wonderings:

  • Didn't Tommy Lee Jones taking things just a bit too literally?  Smile much?

  • As far as I'm concerned, Sally Field was the reigning queen of the night.  I love her more each year.  She gives me hope for aging gracefully and continuing to do work that is valid and important and sensual.  What a class act!

  • I don't think Quentin Tarantino should spit out his drink and be so garish.  He seemed like the big, drunk football player at the party that exposed himself as not actually being cool at all.  I wasn't impressed.  A little too full of himself, methinks. 

  • I did a double take when seeing Mr. Golden Globe; Michael J Fox Jr.  It takes me back.  Sigh.  I want to go watch Family Ties reruns now.

  • Jeremy Irons in tails with his hair starched back wasn't such a good look.  Most of the men there looked better with age: he and Bill Murray decidedly did not.  They could take a few lessons from George.

  • Lucy Liu was not exactly a Charlie's Angel in that dress: it was more like a von Trapp special.

  • Did anybody miss Brangelina or Jen and Justin?  Me neither.  Sometimes the show goes on without them.

  • Stallone and Schwarzenegger were a couple of big necked, nipped and tucked puppets who actually managed to squeeze out a laugh or two from the audience.  Mostly, though, it was frightening to look at.

  • Claire Danes was so real.  She's like a valley girl gone intellectual.  She's decidedly un-Hollywood in her matter-of-fact delivery.  I like it.

  • Anne Hathaway: there was artifice but loveliness, too.  She's adorable but a bit precious.  

  • Sacha Baron Cohen  gave it a good try: not quite, but almost.  I was close to a guffaw but it never came.

  • Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig killed it.  When you do SNL for that long, it would be embarrassing to blow at the Golden Globes.  They didn't.  Whenever I see Will Ferrell, though, all I can think of his long, long prayer thanking the baby Jesus in Talladega Nights.  That outshines anything he's ever done.

  • Amy Poehler and George Clooney canoodling was a nice touch.

  • Jason Bateman is always adorable and irresistible.  I've had a crush on him since The Hogan Family.  He's the stuff sweet dreams are made of.

  • Lena Dunham: her tattoos look like bruises and reading her speech from a tattered paper she pulled out of who-knows-where reminds me of my 10th grade speech contest bomb.  What was she thinking?

  • One of the funnier comments of the evening by Tina Fey (who was surprisingly unfunny next to Amy Poehler) was when she told Taylor Swift to try not to pick up Mr. Golden Globe, Michael J. Fox Jr., but to take some "me time."

  • Robert Downey Junior has killer timing.  He. Is. The. Best.

  • Jodie Foster - how real and visceral was that?  The "coming out" part was barely a blip in her whole confession piece.  Talk about intense!  (She may also be the only person who can ever help the world forgive Mel Gibson.  Now there's a loyal friend.)

  • I'd get a pixie cut too if someone could teach me how to style my hair like Halle Barry.  It looks like an effortless, adorable mess, but I am hoping it took hours in a stylist's chair.  Otherwise I hate her. She's as close to perfect as they come.

  • Ben Affleck - how do you not love him?  Pure class.  Family man. Actor extraordinaire.  It's a good thing he and JLo ended so he could hook up with his honey, Jennifer Garner.  I sometimes daydream that they are family friends and our kids have play dates.

  • Wasn't Josh Brolin just arrested on a DUI?  What's he even doing there?  I neither like nor trust him.  I hope Diane Lane is considering her options.

  • When did Paul Rudd get so cute?  Didn't he used to be nerdy?  He's a knockout!  Maybe it's the hair.

  • And then along comes Christian Bale with the same cute hair. (Maybe it just reminds me of high school in the '80s.)

  • Jack Black is sexier than Bradley Cooper.  Just sayin'.  I'm not a big fan of men who are full of themselves and Bradley Cooper seems like he'd take more time in the mirror than I would.

  • Don't you love it that Hugh Jackman isn't married to a thin woman?  There's hope for us all.  And wouldn't he make the best husband?  What a doll!

  • Is Jessica Chastain a little tightly wound or is she just coming down from that intense role of hers?  She reminds me of Nicole Kidman in so many ways.  I wanted to catch them hob knobbing tonight to see if I could pinpoint the similarities.

  • Salmon Fishing on the Yemen - sweet movie, sweet cast, but they just faded into the woodwork tonight, didn't they?  There always has to be a Miss Congeniality at every awards function and I think this movie won the award for that one.

  • By the end of the evening, people weren't even reading the teleprompter; they were just doing their own thing which made it so much better.  What do you suppose they were drinking other than the Moet? Margaritas?

  • Back to Jessica Chastain: How did she keep her porcelain breasts in her dress?  I was quite worried for her and she seemed rather concerned herself.

  • I guess Robert Downey Junior was chewing gum so he wouldn't be tempted by the Moet?

  • Did Daniel Day Lewis drop out of acting and become a cobbler for a few years?  I seem to remember something like that.

  • Was Julia Roberts wearing a pantsuit?

  • Tube top dresses are not flattering.  All the fat squeezes out of your armpits (even when you're not fat) and there's nothing left over to make cleavage.  There were way too many tube top gowns tonight.  I don't get it.  What I don't get even more was that woman at one of the front tables who appeared to be wearing a black bikini with a sheer robe over top.  Who was she and what was that about?

  • And I'm still not seeing Les Miserables.  I don't do musicals.

I'm not usually a celebrity news reporter, but like the title says, new start every day.  It's been fun.

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