It’s the last day of the year and my daughter Charlotte and I are sitting in the coffee shop across the street from our apartment here in Beijing, which is largely COVID free. I brought my multi-color markers and paper and while I recalibrated my goals, she crafted her own for the new year.
One of my resolutions is to have bi-weekly individual ‘dates’ with each of my daughters so that we can cultivate our friendships. They are 15 and 17 now and I think it’s time to shift from mothering less and into friendship more. My parenting these days is more about scaffolding and shepherding rather than imposing rules. These girls of mine are ready to make their own decisions and live with their own repercussions while still under the roof of supportive parents. It seems like the best way forward.
During our nine months of almost constant togetherness during our family’s pandemic saga that took us from Beijing to Thailand to California to Wisconsin and finally back to China again, my sweetheart and I consciously made a decision to let Charlotte and Emily live without too many rules. We were all busy teaching and learning at all hours of the day, and it seemed like the right time to back off. At one point, Charlotte told a complete stranger in the supermarket, “Oh, we are raising ourselves.” Now, this is not true by a long shot, but we were successfully giving them much more freedom than we imagined would be recommended.
They could rise and go to bed when they preferred, do their online studies when it suited them and view and play what they wanted, provided they participated in our family expectations such as daily chores, evening meals together and evening family time (during which time we made our way through Kim’s Convenience, Shitt’s Creek, Brooklyn 99 and The Good Place as well as learning poker, magic tricks and how to cook serviceable meals).
Not surprisingly, they have both proven themselves to be responsible, likable, reflective and, most of the time, rather pleasant to be around. It’s been a revelation to not have to be on their cases about what to do and not to do. I’ve become the opposite of a helicopter parent, just making myself available and saying yes to most things that they request to do provided they are safe, affordable (or they pay for it themselves) and fall in line with our family values which are essentially all about kindness and respect.
One of Charlotte’s 21 for 2021 goals was to take care of her skin and feel good in her own skin. How perfect is that for a 17 year old?
Here's a link to the podcast 2 CHIT CHAT CHICKS that one of my dearest friends, Eydie, and I have. This edition is all about resolutions we have that are manageable and will bring joy!
https://anchor.fm/2chitchatchicks/episodes/Episode-22---21-in-21-The-One-About-Resolutions-eo0jbr
