- Cross my legs. (What woman doesn’t cross their legs?) Apparently it’s bad for my back and also not great for circulation.
- Sit on my legs. (In spite of the fact that I was actually in a cast for six weeks at nineteen because I tried walking when my feet were asleep after a long stint of sitting on them while reading my bible (!), I continue to find this one of the most comfortable positions in the world. I try to refrain from doing it at dinner because I know it is a poor model for my children, but I find myself doing it quite often in the staff room at work. They already find me quite shocking so what’s one more offense?
- Eat food other than the food I bring to work. Someone told me once that a sure-fire way to stay thin was to eat only what you carted to work yourself in your own lunch bag. Fair enough, but if any of you are teachers and see what manifests itself on the staffroom table most days, you wouldn’t judge some of us for being a bit pudgy. The goodies (especially in around holiday time) are plethora and astronomically delicious.
- Wear high heels. I know. I know. They’re bad for my back. They’re bad for my feet. They’re uncomfortable. But I TRANSFORM when I wear heels. I am a new woman. I am taller, more confident. Slimmer. In pain. And it’s worth it. I promise you. (If any of you have any recommendations for super comfy high heels, please let me know.)
- Read trashy magazines. I know I was a lit major and I know great writing when I read it. In fact, I love erudite and high falutin’ novels. But I also love celebrity gossip and mags with little tips that will supposedly transform my life like throwing the dish sponges in the dishwasher to get rid of bacteria or using flat Coke to clean the toilet or saving money by using conditioner instead of shaving cream to shave your legs. (Not that this is a regular occurrence.)
- Swear. I’ve mostly given this up because it’s no longer novel for me, but when I allowed myself permission to be spiritual without belonging to an organized religion, I developed a sailor’s mouth for a while. My family was shocked. Heck, I was shocked. I guess that was part of the fun of it. I kind of like to shock people, but, frankly, I’m not very shocking. Swearing is about as good as it gets with me. Occasionally I let loose a tirade, but never in front of my children or students, not to fear. Mostly, it’s in the tub while I’m supposed to be meditating.
- Take too many baths. Apparently it dries out my skin something awful. But aside from wearing high heels, I can partake of all my other “shouldn’ts right there in the frothy bubbles. It feels good to be a rule breaker.
I’m sure there are a bunch more things I shouldn’t be doing but do anyway, but that’s enough guilt for one day. What are your guilty pleasures?